Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
