You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
