i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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