If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
