My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
