No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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