I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I'm bleeding and have questions
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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