remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
