Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
