I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
