Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
