That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
