omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
