So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
