I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
