I'm gonna have a badass scar
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I touched a dick in church today
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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