Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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