Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
