corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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