You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
