I skipped work to stalk him.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
