i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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