Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
