Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Randomize
