I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
