Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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