Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
