Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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