break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
