I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
