matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
