6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
