i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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