her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
my shit smells like andre
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
