He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
