I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
pray to the hookup gods
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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