so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
