Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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