I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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