can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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