I looked at my own cervix.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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