I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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