we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
