OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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