I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
