How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
