I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
