I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
