Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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