i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
