yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
